JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
