speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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