Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
