If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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