wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
