i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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