bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
