it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize