My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
