One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
