Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
