my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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