We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize