I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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