man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
