I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
