Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
