Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
