The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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