First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
