The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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