I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she told me i tasted like america
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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