Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
