Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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