It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
