Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
