I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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