You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
