dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
