There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
