It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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