I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
