Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
