i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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