Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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