Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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