The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
