i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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