Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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