I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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