Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
