he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
