i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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