So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize