So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I can't put those talents on a resume
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
