Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
