thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
