At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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