Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
