well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
