my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
