True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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