it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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