I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
