[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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