Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
