i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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