I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
